In the recent years I spend the majority of my existence with very stable emotions. I’m one of those people that are pretty steady. I live secure, and content, confident that I am where I belong, doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m safe in the fact that I am very loved, there are many in my life that I treasure, my life is full, it is good – I am good.
As I write all of that I recognize that this is a miracle in itself. There were years and years where I thought feeling that way about life was an unattainable ideal, or a short-lived happenstance. But, as I’ve fought to believe the truth about myself and who God really is, and to receive the love that is so abundantly available to me, I’ve experienced a miraculous life.
Just over three months ago my journey, my goals, my vision got interrupted. As a family, our worlds have been shaken up. Suddenly, it’s time to take care of a sick loved one and to take care of each other in the process. Our faith is given the opportunity to become stronger and again we see what we are really made of and what we really believe when the rubber hits the road.
For me, it’s like someone just took my tidy, well-organized emotions and threw them all in a basket together. I’m sifting through them and trying to sort them out, but I can’t quite get them back into the places that they were before. Some of them have come out of their packaging and are leaking onto the others, behaving in a very inconvenient manner. I’m discovering anger and hurt that I thought were long ago discarded, and it’s making a mess.
While I know the truth, with all my heart, that this is a season, that we are all going to be ok, that I haven’t stopped being in the right place at the right time, for the right reasons. I know in my head, that all the things that are true and good and right about me haven’t stopped. But, in the middle of this I feel lost and alone in an odd way, and I want comfort, and I see again what I don’t have – and I think there lays my peace, maybe even joy. Honestly for me, who has lived what I call an extended single life, I imagine that if some good guy would choose me and love me, somehow this would be a bit easier.
That’s not where my life is right now, and I can’t go out and make that happen. So, there must be a solution that I’m missing, there must be a better source of comfort and peace. Because this thing, where I add loneliness and rejection to my jumbled basket of emotions, it’s not going to help anything at all.
And then I remember, a phrase that comes in like a vapor, a whisper, and then takes shape and form. “God chose me and He wants me for Himself.” I’m tempted to simply nod my head and agree, “yes Jesus loves me.” Then, I stop and ponder what that means, because I know that somewhere down deep in that simple statement is something that I really need, something that will give me more than momentary comfort.
God of the universe, God our Creator, Protector, Father, Savior, and Friend who knows me inside out and upside down, who knows my flaws and my insecurities, and my unbelief, and my stubbornness, and my selfishness – He still chooses me – even today when I feel like a mess. He is still absolutely in love with me – even when I am angry and offended and the thoughts that I have are not nice and holy, or pure and good and true and lovely.
Isn’t that what I really want, someone that will love me when I can’t even stand me? On top of that, He loves me so much, He is so aware of why I feel the way that I do, and even as I push against Him – He doesn’t abandon me. In fact, He pursues me. He even goes further to say that He is so in love with me that He doesn’t want to share me. He wants all of me for Himself. He is offering me far above what any other human being can offer me. He loves me far beyond what another human can love me. He wants to be my source of comfort, strength, encouragement, joy, love, and life. In fact, He is saying that because I’ve received the gift that His Son, His Love, gave – I am good enough for Him. Why would I want anything less?